Thoughts.

My mind cannot stop racing lately… I want to do many things… NOW. I cannot wait. That has never been a personality trait of mine. Patience. I think it has to do with fear. Fear that if I do not do what I want to do right now… I might not be able to do it in the future. Fear that I will loose what I think I might be able to have.
I am fighting demons… fighting demons since age 17. When I knew in my mind that I could not grow continue on and grow old as my parents and grandparents have…. In a white, suburban, unhappy, materialistic way. It doesn’t interest me. Things. Sure, things are nice. I love my laptop, my iPod, my car, all of my things and I have of lot of them. BUT do they make me happy? Do they make me a better person? Will they complete my life? No. Hell NO! It is just a filler. And I refuse to live like this.
What I want is to live in a place where the people are genuine. Where there is visible poverty, but the people can survive day to day and just be. Just be happy. Just be happy to be alive and live one more day.
A life like this is what attracts me. What is ironic is those in this life… the one I describe often envy the life I have. The materialistic, first world, white, middle class, getting every thing I want life.
How do I know what I want? Well, in the past twenty-three years I have paid attention to what I like and what I don’t. It is not like me to deny myself. I have traveled. Talked to people. Seen the world. Lived in poverty. And realized that my future does not belong in a country whose initials are USA but in a different country… At the moment I think the Dominican Republic… at least I’d like to give it a shot. What can I lose?
This leads me to another dilemma… leaving the America, expected status quo behind and doing what I know will be right in my life. For me. I am old enough now the realize that first and foremost I must care about myself, my thoughts, by physical and mental health and my sanity. I cannot and will not work in corporate America in the cubical ghetto for the next 50 years just to have things. To have things but horrible relationships or no relationships with family or friends, to be unhappy and dwell in the things that I was never able to do. I will not do that. I will do what I want and I will not let others try to persuade me to the dark side.

Confusing I know… that thoughts that run thru my head… Sometimes I need to vent. Being an Aquarius is sometimes and curse and blessing at the same time.

Paz.