Stuck? Lost? Or Some Where in Between?

Things seem weird lately. I'm mentally lost.... perdida. Things seem rougher than normal. I think I have too much on my plate. I dont like being over whelmed. I tend to shut down. I have too much on my plate now or maybe too much of some things and not enough of others.
My problem lies in my double life. America me. Foreign me.

The America me has issues... She has long standing issues with trying to understand her environment and the people around her. In white-wealthy-mostly-suburban America. Too much insensitivity. Over consumption. Ignorance. Money. Whiteness. Purposeful blindness. It disgusts her on a daily basis. She tries to justify things she hears. People she deals with. But she sees things going wrong for so many others... when for them it is going right. She hears statements that make her cringe. And now the problem with being busy and having too much on her plate is she cannot even talk and speak to the people (and kids) that she needs to talk to. She can't. She always get too involved. It is either all or nothing. Another issue. Trying to justifying the work. The sadness. Just a few more months. The money. That's how she is currently justifying what she is doing. Can she take it much longer without loosing it?

Foreign me. She is sad. Reminiscent of better times. And times to come. Of possibly a lost dream.... but not forgotten. Of someone she cannot get out of her head. She sits dreaming of foreign lands. People that lead simpler, yet fuller lives. She wishes and wonders when her time will come. When she can go back. Be simple again. She constantly compares... which is better, worse, different. She is willing to justify almost anything or anyone from her patrias adoptivas. She tries to make America me and Foreign me work together. Make things better. Spice things up now... but she cant get her head out of the clouds can't stop thinking about Mr. 'A' She is lost in the past and in the future.... she does not live in the present when she is in America.


Perdida. Completamente perdida... trato andar con esperanza.